那本書教我的事.....

感覺很重要, 但是, 是非對錯更重要. 若是我們一味地跟著感覺走, 不用多久,你就會發現, 許多看似很'爽'的東西, 不僅不正確, 而且感覺也不好. 所謂正不正確, 簡單來講, 就是指後果好還是不好. 甚麼樣的人會經常做出感覺好卻不正確的事? 就是那些不考慮後果的人. 事情的結果比短暫的感覺更重要.
因為, 事情的結果不是我們可以控制的, 但是感覺這種東西, 確是自己可以調整的.

喜歡是一種感覺, 傷心也是一種感覺, 失望, 被背叛, 被拒絕.....都只是一種感覺. 而我現在要做的, 就是勝過自己的感覺.







p/s: Thank you, Fanny, for that day :)

I need to understand myself

There's a constant fear in my heart...I don't know what am I afraid of?

I'm scared to know that I don't know what I'm scared of.

It's my birthday!

19th March 2009 - Thursday

Today is my birthday. But it felt like an ordinary day. And this is the 1st time in my 28 years of life that I'm spending my birthday alone. I bought myself a cake & make 3 wishes. I don't wish to be alone on my birthday anymore. But I felt happy receiving sms from friends who care.

1. Nicole (1.52am) - Happy birthday ps goh! Time really flies hor..It's ur birthday already. Hope u like the card n the present i got u..Have fun n enjoy ur day!
2. Sharon (7.32am) - Happy birthday! Not sure if u can receive this, but u dun need to reply if u do, cos must pay. LOL. Have a gd day! *Hugs*
3. Shufen (8.07am) - Dear Shan happy birthday to u my dearest friend! May u stay healthy n happy always! :-D have a wonderful day! Enjoy yah!
4. Shuling (9.42am) - To my dearest da gong zhu cabbage ps san...wish u a very happy birthday! u come back give u hug...LOL
5. Shufang (9.42am) - Ohaiyo ps san! Tanjobi omendeto! wish u stay beautiful n happy always~cya soon! muack :-)
6. Nizza (11.32am) - Happy birthday! and many more years to come! have a blessed birthday! :-*
7. Ah Liang (10.34pm) - Er jie, i'm ah liang. Wish u happy birthday.

Abit disappointed that Shulin never sms me. Maybe she's too busy and she forgot to sms me. But I saw that she superpoke me happy birthday in facebook. So at least she remembered.

I was in the coach on my way to Yilan and was thinking whether Kun remembers my birthday. I mean he could be heartless if he forgot. I was hoping he could at least sms me happy birthday. Then at 12.32pm, he called me and wished me happy birthday. At night before midnight, he called again and we talked for 42 min. He sang me a birthday song which made me cry. I know he meant well, because he don't want me to feel all alone on my birthday. I know Shufen will probably felt angry that why Kun still do that. But I really feel better that he sang for me a birthday song. I really want him to do that for me. When he told me he wanted to do something for me probably for the last time, I almost thought he's just standing outside my hotel room. I felt touched he sang for me, but why must it be the last time...... T_T

It was supposed to be our 9th year anniversary also, but this day never exist anymore.....oh nevermind...

I still have very great friends who care for me. I bought everyone some gifts and i'm happy with the stuff i bought for them. I hope they like it :D

Just want to say "Thank you everyone!" I will get better, I just need alot of time & courage!!! Thanks for always being there for me ^_~

The few days at Taiwan

13th March 2009 - Friday

Today I went to the Temple (Long Shan Temple). It's really interesting how their way of worshipping is so much different from ours. I didn't know how to pray until I asked a passerby how to. I hope good luck follows me and everything I do will be smooth & good.


14th March 2009 - Saturday

I went to the Fisherman Wharf at Danshui today. It was freezing cold but the warmth from the sun made the cold abit bearable. Everyone at fisherman wharf are either a couple or they came as a group of friends. I guess I stood out the most since I'm alone. I could see almost everyone of them were looking at me & probably thinking how pathetic it was to be alone. But I don't mind. I enjoyed the peace at that time, although I do felt lonely. It's quite nice to be seated facing the sea accompanied by the sound of someone singing at the cafe below. I can't help thinking how good it would be if kun or shufen was beside me at that moment.

I gave shufen a letter before i came to taiwan. I really hope the letter did not offend her. I just want her to know how part of me felt. I just felt that the help given to me & kun to salvage our relationship is always too late. I can't blame anyone because truth is, this is our relationship. How could I expect other people to help. I'm thankful enough that friends around us are so concerned. I shouldn't force it. I always know, but it's really hard to get go. Anyway, there's nothing I could do about our relationship already since a decision had already been made. I wanted to leave this aside, I really had to......

I bought a book about getting out of love and how to deal with it. It's helping a little, I just need to be really strong :)

At night, I happened to watch a TV show talking about how celebrities deal with when they fall out of love. I watched till I cried so much. It felt so painful. There's a celebrity who ended a 12 years relationship & after 4-5 years later, she still can't recovered. She acted funny & appeared happy just to hide her sorrow and she still cry every night.

For me, I really don't want to live with a mask. But if I keep showing my sorrow infront of my friends, I could make them unhappy too. I don't want to make them feel sick of me constantly getting negative vibes from me. Sometimes I just thought I felt better already, only to fall back to sadness again. But believe me, i'm slightly better now, as compared to 1 month ago.

2nd Day at Taipei

12th March 2009 - Thursday

I went to YangMingShan today. The weather was cool & the sun was scorching bright too. I decided to walk to a place called "Zhu Zi Hu" but ended up in some park full of students & people. In the end I walked back to the bus terminal and took a bus that brought me to the mountain top. It was serene high up. I walked alot and finally sat down on the grass. I was sitting near to a couple and overheard their conversation. Although couldn't really heard everything, but I think they were talking about Love too. Seem like almost everyone is troubled by love.

My mind was blank while I was looking at the scenery. Seriously, I don't know what else to think about already. I was probably mentally & emotionally too tired. I understand life goes on, and I have to do something to make my life more worthwhile. That's why I decided to further my studies, to give myself something to keep me occupied with. I hope I could gain something valuable from studying. I hope to be able to find a job soon too. With a job & income, there are things I want to do. Like putting on braces & learning guitar.

I cried in the hotel room again that night out of loneliness & also I thought of my relationship with Kun. When each day passes, I have to come to term as to what had already happened cannot come undone. I was actually quite anticipated about SL & SF going to meet Kun this coming sat (14th March). I don't know why, but I needed them to tell me how is Kun & that girl doing now. I know I will be sad if I know they are having a smooth time. But I know I just have to accept the truth.

I have to be strong, i'm too weak already :(

I know I have the rights to be happy too :)

1st Night at Taipei

11th March 2009 - Wednesday

After checking into the Hotel, it's time to look for a place for dinner. I wandered around & walked with nowhere in mind. I suddenly felt extreme lonely because I'm really all alone now. And I really hated to eat by myself.

In the end, I ended up crying inside a toilet cubicle. Very pathetic, but I felt better after that. I don't wish to say what happened in between that made me feel so emotional.

I had waffle with green tea ice cream & red bean for dinner that night. A dessert for dinner!! I really had no appetite for rice or noodles. After that I went to the 24hours Eslite bookshop. I walked alot, always ended up walking the wrong direction, but in the end I always managed to find the destination I wanted to go. The weather was cool that night, made me felt light-hearted but really lonely at the same time. I was like so isolated from everyone in the whole world :(

I miss everyone in Singapore.

Songs that make me shed tears

吴克群's songs make me cry...they reminds me of "him".
I'm listening to the songs now.......

Lot 71

I got these from the temple book. What can you say about it huh? I don't really understand O_o

誰知蒼龍下九從衛
女子當年嫁二夫
自是一弓架兩箭
卻恐龍馬上安居

"When an old maid is married to 2 husbands,
Most likely the match won't succeed.
For how could a bow hold two arrows?
A dragon with unicorn will always quarrel."

In this scene, a single bow is fitted with 2 arrows, so disagreement is inevitable. The solution lies in rearranging the misguided match.

事有重復
皆由天定
營謀出入
守身待命

"It is all in the hands of god,
No matter how desperate the battles go.
So stretch out your arms and draw the bow;
The arrow will shoot upward in one move."

Your family is in a very unsafe situation, and you yourself will be linked with scandal. Attempts to gain wealth are in vain, and business deals bring you loss. Reunion after a broken marriage is recommended. Pregnancy may first be unsuccessful but not later. A child will be born to you. Faming and silkworm crops will prosper late. You will lose on liverstock. Travellers will be delayed but the missing will be found. Lawsuits go against you. For recovery, the sick has no alternative but to pray. To ensure safety for your ancestral graves, you must have them converted.

此簽家宅損失, 自身是非, 求財勞力, 交易謹防, 婚姻再合, 六甲先虛后實, 行人阻, 田蠶晚收, 六畜損, 尋人見, 公訟虧, 移徙吉, 疾病禳星, 山墳改.

[古人典故]
古代戀受故事, 漢朝時, 卓文君的丈去世後, 在家守寡,讀詩書過日子, 一日邂逅了很有學問的司馬相如, 卓文君深夜造訪相如, 傾訴心中慕情, 二人逐私奔出城, 回到成都結為夫婦. 後來司馬相如被漢武帝賞識, 在朝廷當官.

蒼龍:青龍
九衛:繁華的街市.


There's the story of 卓文君 and 司馬相如, related to my Lot. If you wanna know more about it, Click here to read. Isn't it amazing that all the Lot (簽) has a story behind it? I wonder who created all these lots. Quite fascinating hor.

Pray

Today, I went to the temple. I wanted to find self peace, cos wasn't feeling good these 2 days. The moment I woke up, my heart just felt uneasy. So I went to the temple. I told Buddha about KK knowing a girl and asked whether we will be back together again. I've got a bad prediction again :( But I think maybe something good is hidden inside the message? Here's what it said:

Buddha is really great. I never mentioned anything about the girl, but he knows she's a loose girl. The prediction says, a loose girl married to 2 males. It used past tense, does it means that girl had been married twice before? Why do i have to be cautious?

Shufen, can help me interpret what you think the prediction said? Thank you!

I promise I want to be happy after I come back from Taiwan. I want to say goodbye to all these love problems, cos it's best to let things be for the time being. Maybe when time passes, things might be clearer whether there's another chance or what I need to do :)